Introduction to the Course: Wrap-Up

The Secret List

🎧 The Secret List

The Power of Truth

When we tell the truth, we move a problem to the past. When we tell a lie, we move the problem to the future.

Addiction thrives in secrecy. A huge part of getting into recovery is learning to live in rigorous honesty and accountability. As long as you keep your behaviors hidden, they maintain their power over you. In this lesson, we are going to explore how secrecy has become so deeply woven into your life — and the damage it can do to you and those close to you.

Before we begin, a quick note: if you answered three or more of the six PATHOS questions with a "Yes" back in Lesson 1, I encourage you to follow the link provided in the course resources and complete the SAST (Sexual Addiction Screening Test). It is free and confidential, and you will receive a score between zero and twenty that can provide additional clarity about where you stand.

Exercise 1.2 — The Secret List

✦ Exercise — Facing the Shadow, Exercise 1.2, p. 18
Turn to page 18 in Facing the Shadow and complete "The Secret List." This exercise asks you to take a hard look at how secrecy has operated in your life — the things you have never told anyone, the things you have told only a few people, and the things you have kept hidden even from yourself.

Creating your secret list takes courage. Some important questions to wrestle with as you work through it: Why do you hold onto secrets? What prevents you from talking about your sexual behaviors with people you can trust? And what would happen if you found a safe place, or a safe person, to share some of those secrets?

Why Secrets Are Dangerous

Secrets are dangerous for several important reasons. They may prevent you from seeking help, often because of the shame associated with what you are hiding. They perpetuate the isolation that sex and porn addiction depend on — addictions thrive in secrecy.

Our society does not support openness and honesty, much less vulnerability. In many ways, behaviors that fuel sex and porn addiction are minimized or even normalized in our culture. "Don't talk about it" seems to be the rule for many. Secrecy creates an environment where addictive behaviors can thrive and intensify.

Two of the best ways to begin breaking the grip of secrecy are joining a 12-step group — we will talk more about the value of that in a later lesson — and finding an accountability partner. Be honest with yourself and with others. You need someone who understands addiction but has established his or her own recovery. Do not find a fellow acting-out partner to serve in this role.

Very important: do not use your partner as your accountability partner. That is not a healthy dynamic for your relationship. There is a process for disclosing what needs to be shared with your partner, and we will discuss that in a later lesson. You may find the article "How to Find an Accountability Partner" in the Free Resource section of the course helpful.

✦ Reflect — Journal Prompt
What would your life look like if you had even one person who knows the truth about your sexual behaviors? This obviously needs to be a safe person who supports you and does not shame you. Finding such a person is vitally important to the recovery process. Journal about your thoughts and feelings as you consider this question.

Looking Ahead

In this lesson, we have explored how secrets fuel the addictive cycle. The central takeaway is this: addiction thrives in secrecy, and secrets perpetuate addiction. Few things will sabotage your efforts to get into robust recovery more than holding onto secrets about your behavior.

As we move forward, the List of Excuses and the Consequences Inventory exercises will provide other perspectives on how addiction became so entrenched in your life. Each of these exercises builds on the last, giving you an increasingly clear picture of your addictive patterns and the path toward recovery.